i should've died that night i should've lost it all, in hindsight the rearview reflection of my life now seems so pointless and undefined i wasn't scared of the other side it was a permanence i thought i could always defy and i did that night, i danced with death i walked away with bleeding hands & a tremble in my step oh, I'm a nervous wreck a constant worry, an endless panic i'm probably better off dead; there's a car crash in my head burning with existential dread lay me down in a coffin of my regrets is this life worth living? blinded by light kissed the reaper with a jaw clenched tight i walked that thin, red line and i saw my life flash before my parents' eyes i wasn't scared of the prospect of dying i was terrified of my family lying my lifeless body down for one final sleep and the maggots eating away at my disease oh, i feel so weak i'm unscathed and it's killing me i'm caving in with my dreams; when i die, what will i see? will i wake up beneath my grave screaming into the bleak eternity? is life that unforgiving? i saw everything end when nothing actually did the shattered glass wrote on my palms as my hands released from the steering wheel and i could feel my spirit hugging my spine holding onto my body as tightly as the seatbelt held me my family wept into my hospital gown as i breathed sigh after sigh of relief i was a deer in my own headlights and it's taken me a long time to realize that this is why i survived i will thrive i am alive i could've died that night i could've lost it all, in hindsight the rearview reflection of my life now seems so meaningful and redefined

drunk and stumbling along a sidewalk, alone i left my friends' house to call you but i know you're not home god only knows the twisted words left on your breath an apology worth shit and a cheap pack of cigarettes i guess i'll end up alone let the vindictive overthinking take control i'll toss and turn as you haunt my head and reminisce in the memory of an unmade, crowded bed must've blacked out again and it's only a quarter after nine the courage burns as i go blind drowning you out of my mind trembling at the thought of saying everything all wrong worked up the nerve to leave a message even though you're long gone i guess i'll sleep alone and suffer in silence until my brain implodes the blood, so bitter; the words, pretend i'm reminiscing in a memory of a love better left for dead

peeled the curtain back a bit too far now i see no point to this at all tripped and split existence in my brain now i can't feel a damn thing i saw god, but what the hell could that mean? i saw heaven, but what the hell could that be? heard a voice emanating from the trees and they told me everything sinking into the blue sinking into gloom lost myself in a sea of triptamines blood boiling with psychedelic clarity words have lost their weight, sinking deep into disdain into the silence of this acid-addled brain endless texture warps the fabric of my view threads weaving, intertwining anew traces burnt to the back of my eyes lost my mind inside the colourblind i saw god, but what the hell could that mean? i saw heaven, but what the hell could that be? heard the horror calling out from within me death is screaming for release sinking into the blue sinking into perpetual gloom lost myself in a sea of triptamines blood boiling with psychedelic clarity words have lost their weight, sinking deep into disdain into the silence of this acid-addled brain saw myself buried deep beneath the concrete a premonition, or a panicked lysergic dream? still blind in the haze, regretting everything, in vain am i even real? set me free existence starting to rust reality turns to dust my skin's coming undone soul swallowed by the sun lost myself in a sea of triptamines blood boiling with psychedelic clarity words have lost their weight, sinking deep into disdain into the silence of this acid-addled brain saw myself buried deep beneath the concrete a premonition, or a panicked lysergic dream? still blind in the haze, regretting everything, in vain am i even real? set me free

sunk, like a stone to the bottom of a heart that i've grown to barely know drowning in the rhythmic undertow sunk, like a stone to the bottom of a bottle a handwritten note, thrown to the ocean to drift as words unspoken, swallowed whole maybe my tongue will untie the doubt from the bite and the burden, until i bleed out maybe i'm meant to lose myself and the haunt that lives in my head will finally paint the ground without a sound drunk and all alone stumbling back to what's left of a home bedroom door shuttered up and closed i don't live there anymore losing every shred of hope that i'll get better, and we'll grow old you're better off on your own i'm better off without a body for these bones skin so cold, i'll let it all go and sink like a stone cement my cemetery home disappointment sticks to me like glue a storming shade of anchorage blue disappointment seeps right through the sad tapestry of anchorage gloom sunk, like a stone to the bottom of the marrow in my bones a hollow harbinger of everything I hold close maybe my tongue will untie the doubt from the bite and the burden, until i bleed out maybe i'm meant to lose myself and the haunt that lives in my head will finally paint the ground without a sound

i've gotten bitter again i'm losing blood flow at both ends getting used to the words 'pretend' 'goodbye', 'amends'; a love left for dead i'm getting used to it all the self-destructive bullshit it's pathetic overwhelming, overbearing undersleeping and underappreciating every moment spent on your unmade bed every second spent lost inside your head regret turns my insides out i paint the pavement with unrelenting doubt that i'll ever see your face again and if i do, we'll barely be friends i've gotten bitter again i'm losing patience, it's wearing thin getting used to the false pretense of being second best; i'm a fucking mess i'm getting used to it so drown me in the poison i spit i deserve it overwhelming, overbearing undersleeping and underappreciating every moment spent on your unmade bed every second spent lost inside your head regret turns my insides out and i paint the pavement with unrelenting doubt that i'll ever see your face again And if i do, we'll barely be friends and i guess that makes me selfish i guess that makes me selfish i guess i'm just selfish i guess i'm selfish

the burn in the back of my throat from the courage i swallowed isn’t anything i thought it’d be i’m in the corner and it’s like you never knew me and his hand runs down your neck and i slam the door and find a home in the steps with a cigarette as he gets into your head and you follow him up the stairs to his bed i’ll tear at my hair until there’s nothing left just to numb the thought of you loving him as much as you loved me never promise him that you’ll never leave like you left me on that lonely side street in front of a house made of empty concrete finality, and now you’re sharing sheets you’d always want company but not with me anymore you’re not with me anymore i’m sinking through the hardwood floor rotten down to the core you’re not with me anymore i feel the drugs in the confines of skin begin to wear at veins already worn thin with overwhelming abandonment and the longing for things that’ll never happen again i’ll just make things up in my head so what i’ve seen isn’t what i believe i’ll pretend that i never saw you kissing him convince myself you respect the broken boy i’ve become enough, oh i’ve become so numb to the pain in my gut and the tip of of tongue that i bite just so you can have your fun i’ll find someone else, i’m not the one for you anymore you're not with me anymore i'm sinking through the hardwood floor rotten down to the core you're not with me anymore you’ve haunted my head left my bed an unmade mess it’s time i tried to forget the painted pavement, cement the fact that what we had is dead taken for granted, sunk instead like stones forgotten, these amends find peace at the bottom of a riverbed the courage came and went serotonin’s all but spent this is abandonment you’ve haunted my head left my bed an unmade mess it’s time i tried to forget the painted pavement, cement the fact that what we had is dead taken for granted, sunk instead like stones forgotten, these amends find peace at the bottom of a riverbed